Be Grateful. Be Thankful. Be appreciative.

Be grateful.

Be thankful.

Be appreciative.

When you have all three, reciting all three in your heart, visualizing it in your head what you’re grateful and thankful for, you will begin to notice this fuzzy feeling finding its way to warm your heart, a smile slowly appearing on your lips, your skin and eyes glowing, an amazing and wonderful energy possessing you to live, laugh, and enjoy and suddenly everything is possible.

I am indeed grateful and thankful.

 

You were looking at your mobile and though you didn’t see me, I knew it was you. As I was walking towards you, you looked up and saw me and broke into a smile. I know that smile and I couldn’t help but smile back. It was so good seeing you.

We said our “hello”, kissed each other on the cheek and started laughing…not knowing what to say but we were very please to see each other.

We walked, we asked questions, we had coffee, we laughed, we discovered, enjoying each others’ company. We spoke for hours and before we knew it, the sun was setting and you asked me to join you for dinner. I did.

We continued talking.

When we were not talking, I saw you looking at me and I couldn’t help but blush and laugh, asking you what you were looking at. You broke into a wide smile, shrugged and said “Nothing, you don’t know already“.

We ended the day with another kiss on the cheek and departed by saying, “Until tomorrow“. That night, I was too excited to sleep. A silly grin on my face. Impatience in my blood wondering if tomorrow was here yet.

When we met the next day, you said you were going to take me out to have fun and meet your friends. I agreed.

Indeed it was fun. There was more laughter and teasing and flirtation was added to the conversation. You constantly checked on me to see if I was doing ok and I told you I was having fun. I really was having fun. Soon you had your arm around my waist and winked at me when you did it. I only smiled and enjoyed the moment. As it was getting late, we were already holding hands and instead of sending me back, you took me to yours to spend more time with me.

We sat, drinking coffee, talking.

You ran your fingers through my hair and soon we cuddled. Little affections were shown and I stayed over.

When the sun came, you decided to stay in. We didn’t do very much but it was good. It was beautiful. It was wonderful and when you dropped me back, you and I looked at each other, knowing very well that the feelings we had for each other were mutual.

We continued seeing each other. Loving each others company. Making plans together.

The day I was leaving, I was in your arms and you gave me little kisses. Then you presented me a little present to remember you by. You gave me a necklace with a Sun pendant and put it around my neck. I was overjoyed and kissed you.

You told me that this was not goodbye and it will never be goodbye because we will see each other soon. We are going to work this out and you will come see me. I hugged you and I’ve never felt so happy and blessed. I was full of gratitude and was so thankful that everything went perfectly and came true.

You dropped me off at the airport and before I went through the gates, you kissed me on the lips and said, “smile and believe me…we will work”.

I kissed you and held on to the necklace until I reached home.

When I arrived home….your email was already there, waiting for me to read. After reading the email…I couldn’t help but smile especially when you told me you were coming and I’ve never felt so happy. I counted my blessings again and gave gratitude.

I started counting the days for your arrival and went to bed every night after that with you greeting me good night. Since that night, I went and I still am going to bed with a smile.

I am indeed thankful and blessed.

Idiotic White Men

I used to date a few white guys and came to the conclusion that they aren’t my type and I am sticking to the Asian men.

I have nothing against them and they are great blokes but I found it baffling that they didn’t and couldn’t understand my upbringing, my culture, my values and my family being my priority. It was upsetting and I couldn’t help but think that they are completely daft! The fact that they could question my priorities and called my values an “obligation”…..sorry just because you’re uncultured and that you were brought up in a very liberal family environment, I’m sorry that you aren’t as close to your family as I am and that I am proud of my identity and culture.

Few years passed and no matter how good looking any white men were…I would just agree with friends and said yes, they are good looking but none appealed.

Something did change though and I was proven wrong about my views on these blokes. I met some very delightful men and not only were they intelligent, they were very interesting.

However, it’s a pity that I still meet scums. I wonder what in the world possess them to ask moronic questions but damn, I swear if I met them, they will see my palm.

Why the hell do you ask questions or say idiotic things like “I heard Asian women loves their white men”, “Oh you are such a vulnerable creature aren’t you”, “Oh you love to be tied up don’t you and scream like how Asian women do it”…..SERIOUSLY?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU MEN?! It’s so freaking ignorant of you and you should seriously educate yourself by reading up on “Orientalism”. Go google it!

When you idiots ask why don’t Asian women like white men…..I think the aforementioned should already answer the question. I thank god that not every one of you are dullards but if you think we Asian women are all alike….dudes, clearly you haven’t met those who you don’t wanna mess with.

Approach

How should I approach this? You know..about you and me.

To be frank, I don’t know anymore and I feel like letting things be.

I do not even wish to make the first move anymore.

I’m tired of trying and appeasing and I no longer wanna feel sore.

I gave in again and again and it will never be enough.

Because our arguments always end up being tough and rough.

I confess now I no longer know how to feel or respond to you.

I can’t even bring myself to call you dear, baby or my boo.

I’ve lost it completely in me to know what to say next.

Honestly now, what are the chances of getting this fixed?

I admit it may be cowardly for me to admit all this here.

Would you believe me if I told you I just don’t wanna feel you near?

I’m at a place right now where I feel safe and want no interruption.

You may not get it or get me but then again did you get most of my decision?

I can’t bring myself to try anymore and I guess it’s your turn to give it a go.

If you don’t want to and you can’t accept, I am willing to accept a no.

The Mushy Side of Moi

“Whenever you miss someone, look at the sky. Although you might not see the person there, but feel happy that you both are under the same sky…“, I read these words a long time ago and I came across it again recently. I thought it was beautiful than and I still think it’s beautiful now.

Yes, I really am an old romantic and I am the sort who would throw myself completely into the arms of Hope. I always want to believe in the possible instead of the impossible and yes, you can throw “Be Realistic” signs at me but when there’s no hope, what’s there left?

I am not expecting a fairytale ending. I am not expecting it to be perfect. I am however hoping that when there’s that one that makes your heart race instantly without any rational reason, that one that creates this big bang so fast, that particular one who makes you lose all sense and logic, why should you let that particular one go? Why not see where it takes you and hope that he or she feels the same about you in return?

When it comes to love, I always hope for the best and will go as far as to believe that the impossible is possible as long as both parties are willing to hop on board together. Actually, even if I were to go at it alone, I still hope, channeling my silly wishes, and have this childish dream of possibility and positivity, believing that one day it will happen and come true. See, I’m such a sap.

I believe that there are many things that cannot be explained and that there is the unseen force that no one can see. Call it spirits or some mystic force but I believe that once you channel something so positive, so beautiful, so fragile and pure, these unseen forces will assist you in ensuring that your dreams, hopes and wants will blossom. It’s not even complicated because all one needs is to believe, to hope, to be positive and eventually, with a little bit of patience, it will come your way.

It’s never silly to dream and hope. Just because people tell us so, why should we conform? Also, no matter how old you are, you will at some point in your life be proven wrong about the ideals of “being realistic” because in life, every thing, everyone that comes and goes or returns in your life, they will come when you least expect it, with a purpose that will awaken your senses and shake your emotions. And when that happens, you can’t help but believe and to hope.

So going back to the passage that one should be glad that one is under the same sky….yes, I am glad that even if there’s this ache of want and misery, I feel very glad and blessed to be comforted by nature, knowing that the one I care about is never too far away .

For the rest of me, I will continue to live, breathe, sleep, consume and embrace Hope for the rest of my life.

What’s going on in there?

I stared at the cake mixture, realising I may have over done it and it will affect the texture of the cake but I continued watching it go round and round.

I was interrupted when I heard the sound of a light pitter patter followed by a million taking over soon after.

I turned my head and saw that it was raining outside. The plants and trees outside dancing joyfully to the sound of the rain’s beat.

My dog, running excitedly in the rain, allowing “rain” to pat it, permitting it to drench my dog’s magnificent golden coat and white vest.

Oh how the rain pours, cleansing everything before me. Giving life, its blessing, quenching thirst, and providing the much needed nurturing that life needed.

I miss how I use to deliberately walk in the rain. Feeling it on my skin, the way it hits me and slides down my face. The way it sends chill down my spine and mask the tears flowing from each eye. I also miss how the grass felt under my feet. The rain, only the rain understood me.

For someone who possesses a name similar to “Sun”, you would expect her to have this constant glow in her but instead,  water appealed and represented her better. Not surprising really when her core element is water.

Choppy waves playing under Night’s beautiful dark blue dress while her diamonds sparkle. A perfectly quiet clean night with a full moon and clear sky. Only the sound of the waves humming and splashing. This image represents me best but oh how deceiving because behind this calm facade, something is brewing at the bottom of the ocean. Like a volcano that’s about to erupt, shaking and moving earth, until it reveals itself or an earthquake that could awaken the majestic tsunami that brings destruction.

So much chaos. So much beauty. So much calmness. So much temptation. So much going on.

I went to the window, placed my hand out…letting the rain kiss my hand and embrace it with its tropical tenderness.

…

…

Bencinyaaaaa! Aku dah tak tahan ni! Geramnya aku! *Screams*

很 累

我 现在 很 想 忘记 你。我 不 要 在 哭 了。

I Don’t Know Anymore

I don’t know if this is me being emotional or the weed talking. I think I am pretty emotional in general and I do express it a lot on my blog or tweet but I will usually suppress it first until I can bear it no longer and erupt like crazy. This time however, instead of letting it erupt, I am actually gonna write what’s bothering me hence I blame the green stuff.

It’s not anything that I can’t handle in the first place but damn I am feeling pretty fed up. Again the green stuff is making me write this and something tells me that I might regret this in the morning.

First thing first, I’m not stoned and it is giving me this certain high but more than anything, it’s giving me the munchies! Big time! Is it even wrong to propose that I am freaking sober after admitting that I was on that stuff?

Anywayyyyyy, you know, I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know myself. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I especially don’t know why I allow men to get the better of me till I no longer have control over my emotions. I mean come on, the last time I permitted this to happen, it hurt me so bad and good god I never ever want to go through that again! However for god knows what reason, one day this twat here decided to venture through that locked door and see what’s on the other side. Why was it so bad that she had to lock it, grill it and chain it? Guess what? *SIRENS RINGING LOUDLY AND SCREAMING ON TOP OF MY LUNGS*: IT WAS A BLOODY BAD IDEA!

I got myself into another emotional roller-coaster madness!

I  don’t now why I allowed it, knowing very well that it would drain me emotionally and make me cry nights! I don’t know why  I permitted myself to bring heartaches, sadness, chaos, disruption and helplessness back. I don’t understand why I allowed myself to get to this stage? Knowing bloody well that it will make me feel down about many things especially myself. I am my own worse enemy after all.

Good god this sound depressing. Do pardon the pathetic side of me. This part of “how awful” I am, should be ignored and deleted when you’re done reading this. Again I blame the green stuff. This is all the green stuff doing and I have no control it and for all you know…..I am making this up. Since I don’t know anything anymore yes?

But honestly…I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. Coz if I did….I wouldn’t be asking now would I?

Complicated? Yes? No?

“Love and life isn’t complicated”. I’ve heard that phrase way too often and honestly, yes, both should not be complicated but it is!

Love being pure and wonderful while life is about fun and adventure is really ideal but give me a break here! Humans are so flawed and the fact that geography plays a role too in our lives, that itself is already flawed and it contributes to our woes in life too.

Sure you can tell me that it’s my fault that love and life is so complicated and yah, ok, I’ll give you that.  I admit we do make it hard but can you fault us for hoping and wanting instead of settling? Can you fault us for wanting to believe the impossible, wanting to dream about it, wishing, desiring, expecting, trusting it with full conviction that it will one day happen and can happen!

Because of social constructivism, our social commitments and our in born loyalty to our family’s demands and wishes, we allow and permit ourselves to give in and abide to certain rules that Society dictates.  Rousseau wasn’t very wrong to say that “Man is born free, but is everywhere in chains”. Of course Rousseau’s words were meant to challenge the government but I personally think that he isn’t too far off as well when it comes to describing the way an individual and the general public lead their lives. We are told to conform, made to conform, otherwise get ready to be labeled the black sheep.

Anyway losing my train of thoughts there but yes going back to how complicated love and life can be. So yes, love and life can be complicated as well due to external factors therefore it can’t be solely one’s own fault now can it? Because external factors gets in the way of how we do things, see things and dictates how we should feel….it is no wonder we let our survivor instinct kick in to fight back hence our decision to make love and life harder. Instead of going with the norm, we go against it because we refuse to submit. We fight because we want more and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

We want more out of life and out of love! We want to live knowing that we did the right thing for us and not for others. We want to live and love to the fullest hence one can only channel that hope out into the world, hoping that Gaia can hear us and channel our dreams back to us, ensuring that it materialises.

It’s never a bad thing to want more as long as it does not lead one to greed, solitude and jealousy. Wanting more for the sake of love and for the sake of living life with no regrets, now that’s a want that no one should be ashamed off.

Love and life are complicated and will always be complicated. It can’t be helped but how we make it work for us, is another story altogether.